Historical reflections

Roadside Realizations

Originally written by Coach Rai on July 31, 2018

Two days ago I stopped along the side of the road at the very spot where my life was forever altered. At first, for quite a while thereafter, and even still in triggering moments; I feel like my life was altered in the most negative way. In the worst way actually. I never knew what it felt like to physically ache from a memory or to feel the abundance of hate and quilt that that day brought. Prior to that day, I had never found myself sick over the sound of sirens or nearly hyperventilating at the sight of a smashed windshield in a movie. I didn’t know the meaning of the word bitter until I found my mom and I flipped end over end in this specific spot along interstate 40 that I just revisited for the first time in over a year.

In time, with the appropriate tools and a heck of a lot of determination and motivation, I’ve come to terms with the car accident we were involved in. Some days, some nights especially, it still haunts me. Every now and again I pray so hard to erase the experience all together.

But today, I rejoice in it. The last time I stood in this spot was three days after the accident. There were still shards of tail lights and broken Christmas presents scattered in this ditch. And I wasn’t standing. The weight of the entire situation brought me to my knees that day and I can still remember how utterly broken I felt then.

That was the single most impactful event I’ve experienced this far in my life. In the best ways.

Because of that day, I can value life and the lives of my loved ones even more than I ever dreamed before. I can understand joy. Joy is not some superficial word to be thrown around when you are given a cheap gift. Joy is your mom feeling the nerve that operates her entire arm wake up after thinking she’d never use it again. Joy is sharing Christmas day in the hospital instead of a funeral home. Joy is learning how capable you are of overcoming even the most hesrtbreaking moments. Joy is the feeling I can’t help but have as I stood in that spot still breathing.

It’s been a long journey of physical healing with my mom and mental trauma that coincided with the event. I can hardly believe I feel the way I do right now but man, am I proud. I could watch the improvements my mom was making physically. There were tests and charts that showed that progress. I’ve taken a step back and can now see these blog posts and these stops along the highway as my progress. As memories come up, I use the tools I’ve learned to cope with the feelings and the flashbacks. Though there’s no physical chart to show off, there’s a major forward and upward-moving progression of peace and gratitude going on in my world.

I urge you all to celebrate the small milestones in your life. The moments or steps that you can’t physically see, but you feel, are important too.

You’re deserving of peace of mind.

You have so so much to be thankful for (even in what you think is the worst moment of your life).

You are totally capable of conquering whatever it is weighing on your heart.

Have a lovely day!